I feel awful. Empty inside. I can't sleep well or eat. I mean i don't have much of an appetite, i didn't eat all day Sunday and ate half my lunch at work yesterday, and yeah i just iam soo going through the motions at work and with everything.
It's all bc of him, i could sense something wasn't right, no wonder i felt so out of place before. Well i think i missed him too. So Sunday i officially found out he's cheating and with that suspected co-worker her name is Jackie who has four kids and who just left her husband- he claimed he'd never get involved with her- he claimed they were just friends- i should have known- i mean the bitch called him every Sunday when i was with him i think all he was doing was just waiting till she was available. I mean she must have set him up for it of course, by flirting at work or whatever, it's not like she's all inoocent and this just happened out of the blue just bc i wasn't there and i know i wasn't there, wasn't there in his spare time either, that's cause he pissed me off and my distance from him only made things worse. I feel guilty about that again. He even made it sound like i didn't call him enough, claiming that i only called when i felt like it. That was partly true but it didn't mean we weren't together or on a break, i mean nothing was said or determined, even though he might of interpreted it that way damn it.
I feel like wanting to fix it. Now it's pretty much over iam guessing although iam left with hearache and pain, and am still in love with him. I don't know what to do about this, i mean i know what the right thing for me would be but my feelings can't or won't go away right now, all i can think of is him. And i've conjured up a plan to go visit him when he is here in town alone, whenever the hell that will be. It seems that he's at that sluts friend's house a lot now (which is where she moved in for now- soon they might get their own place- cause i think he's sick of living where he lives- and asked me a few times about moving in with him but of course it was never planned out or discussed thoroughly), they work together so they prolly drive together and go home together, man they have it good. That bitch knew what she wanted and got it, he's soo easy god. I never had that with him, that kind of exclusivity. So anyway this is what my fucked up plan is to get him alone at home without her bc she interrupts what i wanna say to him and of course he is influenced by her presence and basically try to seduce him to get back together. I have this feeling that it might work, bc he never told me about her before and never broke up with me. So why wouldn't he if he didn't want anything to do with me. Knowing him he'd like to have us both. Iam not going to settle for that, it would mean i'd be the weekend girl or the only when Jackie's not available girl.
This will be my first time to attempt such a scheme wonder if it could work. Has this ever worked in the past, i guess it must depend on the circumstances. This all started bc i felt that he didn't give me enough attention whenever i saw him, and so i pulled away thought screw this, cause he'd never take me anywhere, prolly cause he hanged out with his co-workers and they'd report him with me and cause he was already screwing her and me. Cause i got to talk to her and she said it's been going on for about two months now wow nice, and that's when i was with him too, liar! I thought i really had it with him, and now that i know the truth i wish i didn't. It's like i can't take it, and like i want to do something to get some sort of revenge or something. This scheme might not be easy to attempt, it might not happen at all, i have to figure out when he'd be home alone, iam thinking Saturday afternoon, that's when i got him home alone this past Saturday, it was this Saturday he said he worked half the day and was home alone, sleeping, anyway so he took a nap before going to see the slut. I dunno why but cool so he might do that again then, i mean i'd just go straight to her house but ok whatever, maybe he needed time alone without those kids. I hope he does it again, cause i dunno if iam going to be checking every Saturday for his car in the driveway, and i won't let him know iam coming, iam just going to show up and say i was in the neighbourhood passing by and see what happens, see if he turns me down. I really wanna see that. Another thing is i know that they usually hang out at her place or her friends place not his prolly cause his is small and he has a roomie and landlord there.
And he kept on lying up unitl Sunday morning when i called and heard kids in the background. Saturday night he said he was going to Hamilton to play playstation, so i thought ok some dude's place. I had no idea that this was going on, well i had my suspicions but he assured me nothing was going on, and said he didn't want to hear any false accusations. My intuition was right all along though, and i just have this feeling that he still might want to be with me, i mean he thought that maybe i left him cause it's been a month now since i called him. I do regret doing so, but i think i did it bc i did need a break, and this is what happens when pple take a break, even though this was not an official break at all. Grrrr i didn't expect this at all. So is there any chance that pple get back together after a short break and once the other person finds someone else. I mean no wonder i feel guilty it's like i gave him the green light to be with her for good now, cause maybe he was cheating on me while with me like she claims. I think i need to do this scheme to find that out i will know by his actions then and there and by what he will decide. I think that is the only way i can be sure. I can't believe or trust her but then can i trust him, that is what i will find out hopefully. It was soo dramatic i cried twice, my parents got angry at him, ugghhh. I don't know if iam going to go through it i mean i don't want to be hurt again and rejected. Well we'll see. It seems like it's never black and white with him; it's always grey. He doesn't seem to ever be straighforward about anything, prolly cause he lies all the time and can't seem to be able to fix his baggage from his past.