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Ambiguous Analogies

A Cracked Peak At My Life

1/16/11 08:32 pm - Back After 5 Yrs or So!

Wow livejournal sucks ass these days from my little brief tour. Looks like pple are forced to pay for pretty much eveything nice here. I lost my gorgeous customized layout since they updated the whole bloody site. What bloody bullshit.....uggghhhhh....Truth is I really hate change, especially this kind of bullshit. This was kind of like a beautiful sanctuary I created for myself and now it's gone thanks to some fucking asshole working for this site. Now I am looking at blue on teal, fucking awesome creation. I want my black on pink again. Now I JUST FEEL LIKE LEAVING.

2/4/07 11:42 am - Lost Him To His Sick Mom

Well I found out more, he actually picked up the phone one night, prolly cause he was drunk at the bar and didn't want me to keep calling, but yeah anyway that is what saved his car from being wrecked, cause i was just about to go fuck it up that same night. This time he had a whole different story he did not ever mention to me, he said he's moving back home to live with his mom (she has a brain tumor- which he found out about not long ago), so iam like fuck off no way, and he said he was serious and that he already gave his notice three weeks ago. So i am like oh so iam the last person to know this, and i also asked if he already said goodbye and he replied yes i said bye to everyone, so once again i felt left out, i mean why not tell me this from the beginning, why not tell me this is what you have to do for your mom and decided to and you don't want a long distance relationship, bc that is what it really comes down to. Why be so cruel and mean and make me suffer and wonder what the hell is going on, i knew something wasn't right. Why lie to me and ignore me and avoid me and cheat on me, why do it that way, why end it on bad terms, i guess cause he never gave a shit that's why, and I know he's a liar too so i can't really trust him anymore, so i needed to check up and see what he was really up to. It made me sad, like all the anger washed away for awhile and all i felt was sadness. And i finally really realized that i had to let go, and it's like my heart was ready to finally let him go, i mean what the hell is the point to keep holding on to someone who doesn't give, doesn't have space in his heart, all he is occupied with right now is his mom anyway. He's not even with that other pathetic loser chick either, and i was glad to hear it but he doesn't want to be with me so yeah he is screwed and like i said all he did and does is use every girl he ever meets. And he'll sleep with everyone who wants him, he's totally not selective i mean that is fucked i think. I guess he thinks he is god's gift to woman. So whatever hope he has a nice life with his mommy, and gets bored quickly and regrets moving, cause like what the hell, i mean he had a life here, his own place, a good job and now he just threw it all away, to live with his mom, he said she won't be able to take care of herself, so ok maybe it is true maybe he is just doing it all for her, bc he really loves her, i guess he really does love one woman at least. So i guess that is all i have to say about him, bc i won't be writing more about him, since it's over between us now. I just have to forget him now, and stop driving by his house, i was thinking of sending him a sympathy card as a good bye, since he didn't even wanna see me before he moved out. I mean that was mean, but whatever maybe he didn't want to for himself, cause he didn't wanna go back on his decision, who knows. Life's a bitch sometimes.

1/23/07 09:12 am - Uggghhh

I feel awful. Empty inside. I can't sleep well or eat. I mean i don't have much of an appetite, i didn't eat all day Sunday and ate half my lunch at work yesterday, and yeah i just iam soo going through the motions at work and with everything.

It's all bc of him, i could sense something wasn't right, no wonder i felt so out of place before. Well i think i missed him too. So Sunday i officially found out he's cheating and with that suspected co-worker her name is Jackie who has four kids and who just left her husband- he claimed he'd never get involved with her- he claimed they were just friends- i should have known- i mean the bitch called him every Sunday when i was with him i think all he was doing was just waiting till she was available. I mean she must have set him up for it of course, by flirting at work or whatever, it's not like she's all inoocent and this just happened out of the blue just bc i wasn't there and i know i wasn't there, wasn't there in his spare time either, that's cause he pissed me off and my distance from him only made things worse. I feel guilty about that again. He even made it sound like i didn't call him enough, claiming that i only called when i felt like it. That was partly true but it didn't mean we weren't together or on a break, i mean nothing was said or determined, even though he might of interpreted it that way damn it.

I feel like wanting to fix it. Now it's pretty much over iam guessing although iam left with hearache and pain, and am still in love with him. I don't know what to do about this, i mean i know what the right thing for me would be but my feelings can't or won't go away right now, all i can think of is him. And i've conjured up a plan to go visit him when he is here in town alone, whenever the hell that will be. It seems that he's at that sluts friend's house a lot now (which is where she moved in for now- soon they might get their own place- cause i think he's sick of living where he lives- and asked me a few times about moving in with him but of course it was never planned out or discussed thoroughly), they work together so they prolly drive together and go home together, man they have it good. That bitch knew what she wanted and got it, he's soo easy god. I never had that with him, that kind of exclusivity. So anyway this is what my fucked up plan is to get him alone at home without her bc she interrupts what i wanna say to him and of course he is influenced by her presence and basically try to seduce him to get back together. I have this feeling that it might work, bc he never told me about her before and never broke up with me. So why wouldn't he if he didn't want anything to do with me. Knowing him he'd like to have us both. Iam not going to settle for that, it would mean i'd be the weekend girl or the only when Jackie's not available girl.

This will be my first time to attempt such a scheme wonder if it could work. Has this ever worked in the past, i guess it must depend on the circumstances. This all started bc i felt that he didn't give me enough attention whenever i saw him, and so i pulled away thought screw this, cause he'd never take me anywhere, prolly cause he hanged out with his co-workers and they'd report him with me and cause he was already screwing her and me. Cause i got to talk to her and she said it's been going on for about two months now wow nice, and that's when i was with him too, liar! I thought i really had it with him, and now that i know the truth i wish i didn't. It's like i can't take it, and like i want to do something to get some sort of revenge or something. This scheme might not be easy to attempt, it might not happen at all, i have to figure out when he'd be home alone, iam thinking Saturday afternoon, that's when i got him home alone this past Saturday, it was this Saturday he said he worked half the day and was home alone, sleeping, anyway so he took a nap before going to see the slut. I dunno why but cool so he might do that again then, i mean i'd just go straight to her house but ok whatever, maybe he needed time alone without those kids. I hope he does it again, cause i dunno if iam going to be checking every Saturday for his car in the driveway, and i won't let him know iam coming, iam just going to show up and say i was in the neighbourhood passing by and see what happens, see if he turns me down. I really wanna see that. Another thing is i know that they usually hang out at her place or her friends place not his prolly cause his is small and he has a roomie and landlord there.

And he kept on lying up unitl Sunday morning when i called and heard kids in the background. Saturday night he said he was going to Hamilton to play playstation, so i thought ok some dude's place. I had no idea that this was going on, well i had my suspicions but he assured me nothing was going on, and said he didn't want to hear any false accusations. My intuition was right all along though, and i just have this feeling that he still might want to be with me, i mean he thought that maybe i left him cause it's been a month now since i called him. I do regret doing so, but i think i did it bc i did need a break, and this is what happens when pple take a break, even though this was not an official break at all. Grrrr i didn't expect this at all. So is there any chance that pple get back together after a short break and once the other person finds someone else. I mean no wonder i feel guilty it's like i gave him the green light to be with her for good now, cause maybe he was cheating on me while with me like she claims. I think i need to do this scheme to find that out i will know by his actions then and there and by what he will decide. I think that is the only way i can be sure. I can't believe or trust her but then can i trust him, that is what i will find out hopefully. It was soo dramatic i cried twice, my parents got angry at him, ugghhh. I don't know if iam going to go through it i mean i don't want to be hurt again and rejected. Well we'll see. It seems like it's never black and white with him; it's always grey. He doesn't seem to ever be straighforward about anything, prolly cause he lies all the time and can't seem to be able to fix his baggage from his past.

1/20/07 02:35 pm

Well Iam not any better yet. I dunno what it is exactly, but something isn't right inside. Iam just so pissed off. I want to scream, yell and explode on someone or something, i've been a bitch all day and left work after 3 hrs. I think that was a good call. I hate not knowing the future and i feel stuck and like iam waiting and waiting for my life to finally unfold and be the way i want it to be. I feel like a prisoner right now, living with my asshole selfish parents, and bro. All they ever do is make my life more miserable. I hate how much bills i have to pay mostly the fucking student loan, i hate being in this debt, i mean without just that one payment alone i could move out and get my own place with someone, and maybe be happier. Well hopefully. That is what iam definitely counting on. I want some peace of mind, i really need it, i need peace, i feel so drained and tired of everything, anger really eats you, as if being sucked out from the inside out. I hate not getting what i want, and i have grown so impatient, and dealing with that is a pain, but iam trying to change. I used to be patient, and carefree, not much ever bothered me like things do now. I dunno what it is, why i changed for the worst so much, prolly cause of all the stress i have to deal with at home and now work. I hope it goes away.

So i did work my regular 7 hour shift on Friday but i was still pissed about Thursday. I wasn't even sure if he was going to send me home earlier again, i took my time though maybe that is why he didn't, iam always going to take that route from now on, cause i don't give a fuck, i come in expecting to work 8 hrs not five or six or fucking four. It's like hello i want and need full time work not part time. And he knows that, but doesn't give. I think this week will be fine, i mean it should be ok if i take my time when there isn't that much work at times. It's a sunny day but it was cold in the morning, the wind chill sucked. It got a little warmer now. Iam not sure if i want to go out anywhere. I feel tired and bitchy, maybe i should just stay in and keep to myself. I dunno if going out anywhere or seeing Wayne will make me feel any better. Hmmm maybe i should go see a movie for a change cause i hardly ever go and have a free pass. Well i'll check what's playing first. Or maybe go to the mall and just look at things, just check out my fav stores and see what's new, and i think there's a lot of clearance going on rigt now. Yeah ok there's nothing playing in this city that interests me at this time, i mean it's mostly kid movies what the hell. I think Babel looks good but i don't know why it isn't playing yet oh yeah it's coming out in February. Well ok then fine, i think i'll just stay home have dinner here (cause my dad is home and making it woopie- without him there would be nothing- no dinner made ever) and then maybe go out, wherever, prolly just hang out, i think everyone is working right now though, gotta wait.

7/23/06 06:06 pm - Another Week Down Another Week Ahead

Money matters can be resolved. Money appears to be heading your way. A change will ensure you move in a direction more suitable for you professionally. Emotional matters can be easily resolved.

Well that's nice to hear

1/18/06 07:36 am - It's Sad But Inevitable

My brother is moving out. It's OFFICIAL now, the parents have finally coped and are letting him go. I believe he's moving out friday, iam kinda sad bc it will be even more boring here without him when i'll be home, and more bitching at me since he'd get in a lot of shit most times and would take most of the bitching, and he finally really had enough, poor guy, another reason is he found himself a g/f and is actually moving in with her, iam not impressed at all though, i think he should have waited awhile longer since he only met her a few weeks ago and iam not impressed where they live or where she lives and where he is moving in. But whatever as sad and wrong as it is to us all no one can stop anyone from doing what they wanna do and the person who tries to stop them is just dumb so we all just have to cope and hope for the best. I really do hope it all works out for him, but who knows, they might break up and then he'll be moving back in here. I know that once i move out it will certainly be for good, i'll make sure of it. Gotta get to work.

7/18/05 06:28 am - Thinking Through

I feel like quitting my second job just to be with him, but i am afraid i'll regret it later. I mean sometimes that extra 200 bucks does come in handy, for whatever, usually for spending it on whatever i need at the time, and i do like to go shopping, so anyway yeah that sucks bc we can never stay up till dawn or enjoy each other till whenever we want when i have to be up before dawn and be in at work and this is on our days off. I missed two days and got send home this morning, hahahaha i am not even really angry about it, i could have just got fired, but it's nice that they can't just automatically do that, hahaha, but i was still surprised she send me home, she said she got someone else to cover my shifts, so i just left oh and got a written warning, this is my first, i still get another if i do it again, but i didn't even miss them intentionally, the last shift i didn't show up for i had someone else cover it but the fagot never showed up so i explained but it didn't justify why no one was there that morning, so she said it was still my responsibility bc it was my shift, hmmm sounds like bullshit but i just took it, it was 5 am, i just wanted to go back to bed, and so i don't have to come in this week, i gave my week-end shifts away earlier (bc of the moving), unless i change my mind i can take them back i bet, i think i'll just call and ask if they want me to come in next week, since she didn't schedule me in, she prolly wasn't sure if i was gonna show at all.

She should know me better though, i wouldn't just not show at all, i thought she'd be more understanding with me to be honest, she wasn't such a bitch before, this was way back though, i know her for awhile now, she used to be an assistant manager and that's when she was way more understanding and nicer, i guess she can't take any more shit though, that district manager who's her boss is a real ass bitch and is constantly on her ass so i can see why she can't afford to screw things up now. So yeah i can quit or stay and make sure i show up, meaning i should stop asking pple to take my shifts as well, so maybe i'll end up breaking with boy toy earlier than i thought, just cause i know i wouldn't be happy if someone didn't have time for me, man this sucks i am still not sure what i wanna do yet, i know whenever i am with him time seems meaningless but then reality hits me hard like a ton of bricks once i am not with him once again. So that's a little sad and unfair. But then life isn't fair.

5/15/05 09:19 pm - Friends Only Cut

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credit to: anxillusion
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